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I Cassava Your Problem… Another Awkward Moment in My LifeCraving Normal by Michele Miles Gardiner

I Cassava Your Problem… Another Awkward Moment in My Life

Published by Michele Miles Gardiner on April 2, 2019

I cassava your problem (This really bad pun will make sense further into this post):

In the market, I look around as my items are being scanned. The woman behind me is holding a bag of Siete Tortilla Chips. Her eyes are close to the the bag as she reads it. She turns the bag over to read the other side.

Me: Those are really good.

Her: I’m having people over, so…

Me: They’re the best grain-free tortilla chips I’ve had.

She’s looking closer at the chip ingredients.

Her: Really?

I nod. And put my card in the payment slot.

Her: So what’s cassava flour?

Me: Some sort of root vegetable flour.

She gives me an odd look. Is it skepticism? What does she think, I’m some sort of covert cassava operative?

I finish my payment.

Her: See, if they ARE good then I’ll eat them.

Me: Oh? Well…

Her: I don’t want something I’ll want to eat.

I look back at her, as I push my cart away.

Me: Well…

I don’t know whether to say–“Enjoy” or “Good luck” or…? I’m perplexed how to end this odd moment.

Her: If I eat these… I’m blaming (she points at me) YOU.

Veronica from The Archies
Veronica from The Archies***

Man, I didn’t see that situation happening. I thought I was being helpful.

Note: I found this image of Veronica from the Archie Comics. So I think it’s pretty funny that, afterward, when I went to find a link about Siete Tortilla Chips, I noticed this interesting story about the founders is written by Veronica Garza. She’s co-founder & president of Siete.

No, I’m not a Siete covert operative, trying to slickly plug their product. But I do like the chips and now even more after reading the Siete family business story, here.

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Michele’s Market Mess-AroundWoman in grocery store shopping cart

Michele’s Market Mess-Around

Published by Michele Miles Gardiner on July 16, 2018

 

Yeesh, I go to the market so often you’d think I’d have this routine down: Put food in my cart, pay and walk out. Is that so hard?

Okay, so this time I didn’t leave my perfect mango in my cart and accidentally take another person’s cart, like last time. Today, I’m at the register with my all my own food choices. I hear a lady allow a dad and his son to go ahead of her, one line over. As I’m getting prepared for a swift pay and go–getting my debit card out and my grocery app up on my phone, so the cashier can scan it–the lady walks over and stands behind me, holding only two peaches.

Me: Please go ahead of me.

Lady: Really?

Me: Yes, please.

She pays, thanks me again and leaves.

My turn at the register. I hold my phone up to the cashier for the grocery app to be scanned, with my left hand, while putting my debit card in with my right.

Cashier: Umm… she’s very pretty.

Me: Hmmm?

Cashier: But I don’t want to scan her face.

I turn my phone toward me and see that I’m holding a photo of my daughter up to the check out lady, the grocery app had disappeared. D’Oh!

Me: Yeah, you know, just thought I’d show off my daughter… as I often do at the check out.

We both started howling.

As if I didn’t feel like an idiot already, as I’m leaving, I hold my car key fob, point it to the grocery store doors and click it. When they slide open, on command, as automatic doors will do, it takes me a beat too long to realize what I did.

Sometimes I wonder how I’m still here.

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My Humiliating Moment with Rodney Dangerfield

My Humiliating Moment with Rodney Dangerfield

Published by Michele Miles Gardiner on June 20, 2018

Starting a new blog, I hear Rodney’s voice: “Tough crowd. Tough crowd.”

 

 

 

 

In my 1.5 second scene with Rodney, I’m the blur on the right. I recorded that blur of a moment here:

Excerpt from my book “Craving Normal,” in my story “Confessions of a Hollywood Extra”:

While working as an extra on the movie “Back to School,” with Rodney Dangerfield, I sat about ten feet from Rodney and Sally Kellerman as they prepared to do a scene. The quiet of the set prior to the cameras rolling allowed my voice to carry. My female newlywed friend, another extra, wondered if I wanted to get married. The last thing on my mind! So I said, “I’m not meeting guys nice enough to go out with in LA. Can’t imagine finding one to marry.” My voice carried through the silent crowd.

Rodney’s voice boomed toward me. “Hey, Honey! Come down here! I’ll marry ya! I’ll marry ya, right now!” My face turned hot, and I’m sure as red as a tomato, while Rodney, the crew, and the extras laughed. Well, that was one way to shut me up. And it did.

On bottom right, after hours in the blazing sun, using all my acting skills to become an enthralled, sports-loving, college student.


Bottom left, dancing to Oingo Boingo in the
Dead Man’s Party scene, in “Back to School.”

Jen (the blonde in the video thumbnail) is my newlywed friend I mention
in my Rodney Dangerfield moment of humiliation. I’m dancing in this Oingo Boingo
video, next to Jen. But you have to stop the video to find me. And, of course,
I DID just that. I’m at 2:08.

 

 

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I’m An Awkward HuggerI'm an awkward hugger.

I’m An Awkward Hugger

Published by Michele Miles Gardiner on June 18, 2018

Oh you want to shake hands? Sorry, I’m already moving in for a hug. This is awkward. But it’s only going to get worse. I think this as I move in, arms out, already committed. As if it’s all happening in slow motion, I see you’re caught off guard, don’t know where to put your hands. You flail, trying to decide where to put your arms, where to move your head. I wish there could be a cool way to back out. But I have to commit.

I’ve been on your side. I know. I’m not always a hugging extrovert. A huge portion of my life, I’d rather be home reading a book. So if I am expected to attend some event, I’m likely still in my introverty mood. Then I see someone coming toward me, arms out. I’m not squeamish about hugging back. But I know some people are. I do get that.

And that’s what adds the weird cherry on top of this cringe-inducing moment: I can feel it as I’m coming in for that hug. But there’s no way to reverse without it being even more awkward. Sorry.

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