Skip to content

Month: June 2018

Coffee, Tea or… We’re All Gonna Die! / Things I’ve Heard on Airplanes I’ll Never ForgetDrunk looking stewardesses, circa 1960s

Coffee, Tea or… We’re All Gonna Die! / Things I’ve Heard on Airplanes I’ll Never Forget

Published by Michele Miles Gardiner on June 27, 2018

1) “This is the WORST turbulence I’ve EVER felt!” said a female flight attendant who fell to her knees near my seat, as we flew through a storm above the East Coast. Yeah, that’s reassuring.

2) “Do you REALLY think you should be drinking that wine?” I was asked by a fifth grade boy I chaperoned, along with 60 other kids, including my own, for a week long American history field trip to Valley Forge in Pennsylvania, which involved screaming kids, bitchy/cliquey mothers, lost children, a kid with a nut allergy I nearly killed by offering him a peanut butter filled pretzel, humid school buses and “the worst turbulence” one flight attendant ever experienced. I answered the child this way: “Oh yeah, I really think I should.”

3) “We’re gonna give that another shot,” said our pilot trying to fly into JFK, after swooping the plane down and then swooping back up, as if we were on some horrific roller-coaster. While a middle-aged male passenger screamed like a baby, a female New Yorker behind me barked out, “One more shot?! Are you friggin’ kiddin’ me?!”

4) “You can stay at my place,” offered a flirtatious male flight attendant during a flight so horrific I wrote a story about it. My response to his lecherous offer? I cried. Actually a better term would be “bawled.” I looked at him and sobbed in his face… not just mere tears, but gasping, heaving, blubbering wails. (I wrote about this horrific plane trip in my up-coming book, Craving Normal.)

Please follow and like us:
Leave a Comment
I Write. You’re Wrong. Errr…Mean.Lucy sticking her tongue out at Ricky

I Write. You’re Wrong. Errr…Mean.

Published by Michele Miles Gardiner on June 22, 2018

Me: You know that Crowded House song, “Mean to Me”?

Ian, my husband: (Staring at his computer) Not sure.

Me: Yeah, you know it. (I begin to sing) “I’m down on my knees… So please don’t be mean to me.”

I think it sounds just like it. I’m sure he’ll nod his head in acknowledgement.

Ian: (Eyes haven’t moved from his computer.) It’s a good thing you can write.

***

Wow, so mean! Ouch. Ah, that’s okay. Ian’s not wrong. And as a musician/songwriter, he’s gotta be honest. Plus, I’ve admitted my lack of singing talent in this previous blog post.

Wow, so mean! Ouch. Ah that’s okay. I’ve admitted in this previous post my lack of singing talent.

Please follow and like us:
Leave a Comment
Naughty by NatureMy bratty years

Naughty by Nature

Published by Michele Miles Gardiner on June 20, 2018

My naughty ways come naturally. Yep, I burst into this world strong-willed, adventurous, rowdy, curious, and ready for fun – rules be damned. Life experiences may have smoothed or sharpened some of my edges, but that kid is still kicking.

three photos of michele sticking out her tongue and then she's an angel
Brat. Brat. Brat. But I’m an angel, damn it.

Witness one example of my “strong-willed” (bratty) behavior in the trailer I made for my up-coming book, “Craving Normal“: At Disneyland, I pushed a little girl out of the way from posing with the chipmunk named Chip (Or maybe it was Dale). Then I squeezed myself between the giant chipmunk and the little blonde girl who tried to pose for a picture with the Disney character. When the chipmunk began walking along with the little girl, I got fed up and, and with my face scrunched into a frown, pushed her away. She ran off. Then I smiled and posed with him all by myself.

While I may have mellowed a bit, I’m still THAT kid. I was born this way -> See, scientists agree.

Okay, enough about me. What traits of yours were apparent right from the beginning?

 

Please follow and like us:
Leave a Comment
Aprons in my StoriesMichele wearing an apron, 1980s

Aprons in my Stories

Published by Michele Miles Gardiner on June 20, 2018

Reading the chapters of my soon-to-be published book, “Craving Normal,” back to back, it’s interesting to me that I used the word apron in three different stories:

  • Apron is what my saintly and shocked Grandma wore when she ran out of the kitchen upon hearing eight-year-old me say “Ah hell!” after I landed in Monopoly jail, during a game with my cousins.
  • Apron is what I had to sew in order to escape (errr… graduate) high school, after learning I was three credits short, but told I could take a nighttime sewing class. Never finished that apron. But I finished school! Squeaked by with an unfinished apron. Sums up my school years well.
  • Apron is what I was handed when the Director asked me to play a cocktail waitress in a movie called “When the Bough Breaks,” right before I spilled the entire tray of drinks on the movie’s star, Ted Danson. It’s also what I took off right after the incident.
    Actors Ted Danson and Richard Masur, in the 1986 movie, "When the Bough Breaks."
    Ted Danson, looking very dry, unlike after I spilled drinks on him. Here he is with actor Richard Masur, who kindly corrected the Director who mangled my name.
    Waris Hussein and Richard Burton
    While Googling the Director, Waris Hussein, of “When the Bough Breaks,” (the one who yelled at me, constantly calling me Melissa rather than Michele) I found this photo of him fixing actor Richard Burton’s tie. I guess if you’re Richard Burton the director won’t yell at you and call you by the wrong name. Photo from this link.

    *Top photo: Here I am thinking I look really hot in an apron, zipper skirt and white pumps. Oh 1980’s, you made me such a fool!

 

Please follow and like us:
Leave a Comment
My Humiliating Moment with Rodney Dangerfield

My Humiliating Moment with Rodney Dangerfield

Published by Michele Miles Gardiner on June 20, 2018

Welcome to my new blog! I hear Rodney’s voice: “Tough crowd. Tough crowd.”

 

 

 

Above video: My 1.5 second scene with Rodney. I’m the blur on the right. I recorded that blur of a moment here:

Excerpt from my book “Craving Normal,” in my story “Confessions of a Hollywood Extra”:

While working as an extra on the movie “Back to School,” with Rodney Dangerfield, I sat about ten feet from Rodney and Sally Kellerman as they prepared to do a scene—the quiet of the set before the cameras rolled allowed my voice to carry. My female newlywed friend, another extra, wondered if I wanted to get married. The last thing on my mind! So I said, “I’m not meeting guys nice enough to go out with in LA. Can’t imagine finding one to marry.” My voice carried through the silent crowd.

Rodney’s voice boomed toward me. “Hey, Honey! Come down here! I’ll marry ya! I’ll marry ya, right now!” My face turned hot, and I’m sure as red as a tomato, while Rodney, the crew, and the extras laughed. Well, that was one way to shut me up. And it did.

On the bottom right, after hours in the blazing sun, using all my acting skills to become an enthralled, sports-loving, college student.


Bottom left, dancing to Oingo Boingo in the
Dead Man’s Party scene, in “Back to School.”

Jen (the blonde in the video thumbnail) is my newlywed friend I mentioned in my Rodney Dangerfield moment of humiliation. I’m dancing in this Oingo Boingo
video, next to Jen. But you have to stop the video to find me. And, of course,
I DID just that. I’m at 2:08.

 

 

Please follow and like us:
Leave a Comment
I’m An Awkward HuggerI'm an awkward hugger.

I’m An Awkward Hugger

Published by Michele Miles Gardiner on June 18, 2018

Oh you want to shake hands? Sorry, I’m already moving in for a hug. This is awkward. But it’s only going to get worse. I think this as I move in, arms out, already committed. As if it’s all happening in slow motion, I see you’re caught off guard, don’t know where to put your hands. You flail, trying to decide where to put your arms, where to move your head. I wish there could be a cool way to back out. But I have to commit.

I’ve been on your side. I know. I’m not always a hugging extrovert. A huge portion of my life, I’d rather be home reading a book. So if I am expected to attend some event, I’m likely still in my introverty mood. Then I see someone coming toward me, arms out. I’m not squeamish about hugging back. But I know some people are. I do get that.

And that’s what adds the weird cherry on top of this cringe-inducing moment: I can feel it as I’m coming in for that hug. But there’s no way to reverse without it being even more awkward. Sorry.

Please follow and like us:
Leave a Comment
“C’est What?”Les Philosphes cafe in the Marais, France: Photo taken by Charles Halton

“C’est What?”

Published by Michele Miles Gardiner on June 18, 2018

Walking back through the Marais in Paris, after visiting the Musée Picasso, one afternoon, Ian and I stopped to eat at a café called Les Philsophes. Situated on a corner, we sat at an outdoor table and watched the relatively tourist-free (compared to the Left Bank) street. Parisians were buying bread across the street and picking up laundry next door. A man on a bicycle rode by with a basket full of baguettes. He fell over, tossing his crusty loaves about the cobblestone street. People stopped their shopping and laundry picking up to run into the street to help the man up and gather his baguettes, just when our waiter approached our table.

“Quelle est la soupe du jour?” I asked.

He told me what the soup of the day was in his rapid French. But I didn’t understand.

“Pardon?” I shrugged, and gave him a helpless look. “Je suis désolé. Je ne comprends pas.”

He placed his index finger and thumb on his chin and seemed to search the gray sky for an answer. He paused during his thinking to tell me, “One leetle minute.” This was taking more time than either of us thought.

Finally, he pinched his fingers together as if holding something very small and squeezing, as he said, “Leetle brawken pee-ass.”

I stared at him, shaking my head. And then I got it. “Oh. Broken peas! Split pea soup!” I nodded, looking over to Ian.

The waiter’s eyes lit up and he clapped his hands. “Oui! Oui!”

Even if I wasn’t in the mood for split pea soup, I ordered it anyway. After all, the waiter worked so hard and was so excited to find the right words, how could I not? It was very good.

Top Photo of Les Philosphes taken by Charles Halton – http://awilum.com/

Please follow and like us:
2 Comments
Paris Trip: A Slouching Stripper, Dildos & A French CowboyWorst stripper in Paris, France

Paris Trip: A Slouching Stripper, Dildos & A French Cowboy

Published by Michele Miles Gardiner on June 13, 2018

When people travel to Paris, France, they often come back with romantic stories about the Seine, the light, champagne and brie, oooh la la! Not me. Here are Some things I experienced and learned on a recent trip to Paris: 1) Don’t use French phrases you learned from Patti Labelle’s “Lady Marmalade,” they’ll get you into trouble with a horny French cowboy. 2) When going to strip clubs, you get what you pay for. 3) The Metro stops running sooner than you think. 4) Fighting in front of dildos is funny, even if you’re too mad to realize it.

One night, Ian, my husband, and I take the Metro to the Pigalle district with the idea we’ll check out the dancers at Moulin Rouge. After seeing the show’s price and thinking it might be too touristy anyway, we duck into a strip club a few doors down. Hey, we’ll save money and get to see a sexy Parisian strip show, we think. Well, we’re wrong. Nothing sexy about it! What we get is a discount show from the world’s worst stripper. She has to be the worst. Nobody could put this little effort into her job. Slouching, with a cigarette limply hanging from her lips, the pot-bellied stripper lethargically slides down a pole as though she has just been injected with a sleeping dart and is about to pass out. Then she crawls back up and stands there weaving back and forth. The audience, just as lethargic, doesn’t even have enough energy to boo or leave.

We get up and head out to wash our disgust away at an Irish Pub a few doors down. (I tell the other tales of the cowboy and dildos in a story in my book, “Craving Normal.”)

Thanks for stopping by!

Please follow and like us:
Leave a Comment
Childhood Imagination & ConfusionMichele Miles Gardiner reading Grimm's Fairy Tales

Childhood Imagination & Confusion

Published by Michele Miles Gardiner on June 13, 2018

As a child I had a large imagination, which led to confusion. Why? Well, I believed flying dust particles were fairies and thought little people in the TV box spoke to me. I also believed giants existed. Mom read me Grimm’s Fairy Tales in which giants ate children, trolls lived under bridges, and old women stuffed kids in ovens. To me, giants were as real as that man named Walter Cronkite Grandpa watched on TV. I never met Mr. Cronkite, but I believed he was real, too. So when I heard an announcer on the radio say, “The Giants will be returning to San Francisco,” I ran through the house, screaming, “Mommy, giants are coming! Giants are coming!” imagining they were the kid-eating kind of giants. Then Mom calmed me by explaining they’re San Francisco’s baseball team.

What did you once believe as a child? Were you disappointed or happy to find out you were only confused?

Photo: I loved Grimm’s Fairy Tales so much I “read” (pretended to read while I made up the story) to my little sister. She seems riveted.

Please follow and like us:
Leave a Comment
Los Angeles: More than ClichésVintage Los Angeles postcard, freeways

Los Angeles: More than Clichés

Published by Michele Miles Gardiner on June 10, 2018

Yeah, LA is more than our clichés, but they do exist.

Cliché LA

Golden days

Summer haze

Pacific Coast Highway

Awesome waves

Screenplays

Valets

The Palisades

Silver Lake

Fake…

Boobs

Surfer dudes

Film debuts

Malibu

Attitudes

California Dreams

Palm trees

Plastic surgery

Itsy bitsy bikinis

Purple mountains majesty

Paparazzi

Graffiti

TMZ

Venice Beach

Slangy speech

Movie…

Stars

Luxury cars

Sushi bars

Award Shows

Chateau Marmont

Spago

Limos

Studios

Rodeo…

Drive

The 405

Blue skies

Pulled back eyes

Toned thighs

Chili fries

Hollywood sign

Social climb

I, me, mine

Gang Crime

Drive thrus

Swimming pools

Sparkling jewels

Glamour

Clamor

Rush hour

Want more

Power…

Trip

Sunset Strip

Film script

Set Grips

Hollywood gossip

Hoes and pimps

Star-struck

Nip and tuck

Make a buck

Life don’t suck

Taco trucks

Traffic

Psychic

Pornographic

Manic

Panic

Organic…

Sprouts

In-n-Out

Celebs bailed out

Droughts

Injected pouts

Golden State

Earthquakes

Lose weight

Get sedate

How much you make?

Old age can wait

Cuz…

Life is great…

in L.A.!

But if you look a little closer, you just might find the unexpected.

Here’s my slide show of just a bit of what I love about LA. All the great stuff is tangled, woven, and often hidden amongst and beneath LA’s clichés.

Written by Michele Miles Gardiner

LA punk band X, “Los Angeles” –

 

Please follow and like us:
Leave a Comment

Enjoy this blog? Please spread the word :)